S1: THE CANDLE THAT WOULDN’T LIGHT
S2: BIDING TIME IN A BLACK HOLE S3: MIND MALADIES S4: THRONE OF CONSCIOUSNESS S5: THE CANDLE THAT WOULDN’T GO OUT S1: THE CANDLE THAT WOULDN’T LIGHT A BURNING PYRE, A BLAZING END BEYOND ITS STRETCHED FINGERTIPS, YOUR REACHS EXTENDS THIS ENERGY BURNED BRIGHTLY AS IT CAME MY WAY MOVEMENTS IN LINE WITH DESTINY, YOUR ARMS MEANT TO SAVE THROUGH YOUR TORRID GAZE I SAW CLEARLY THROUGH YOUR FLAME YOU SAUGHT TO RAISE ME BUT THESE EFFORTS ARE ALL EXTINGUISHED NOW THERE’S NO CANDLE FOR THIS FLAME, I’M OUT, I’M OUT (AHHHH!!!) MATCHSTICK SENTIMENT FIRE FROM THE GODS THAT YOU’RE LIT WITH GUESS I DIDN’T BURN THAT BRIGHT WE CAME FROM VERY SEPARATE LIGHTS NO MATTER HOW THE ENERGY DISPERSED IT’S HARD TO HOLD MY SELF WORTH WHEN EVERYTHING I DO IS IN THE DARK MY FLAME RECEDES AS I FALL APART ALL THIS POTENTIAL DEEP IN ME CRAVES A SPARK BUT WITHOUT PURPOSE, I CAN’T LIGHT WHEN I’M MARKED MEANINGLESSLY BURNT FROM BOTH ENDS WAX DRIPPED EXIT STRATEGY ’TIL I’M DEAD I CAN’T EXHAUST UNTIL I’VE BREATHED MY FINAL BREATH NO OXYGEN TO CLEANSE THEY CAN’T LIGHT THE FIRE IF I DON’T LET IT SPREAD I WON’T LET IT SPREAD WITH MY COLD SENSIBILITY, MY CLOSED DISTRESS I WON’T LET IT SPREAD HOW CAN I BURN SO BRIGHT WHEN THE NIGHT WANTS ME DEAD? ALL THIS POTENTIAL IN ME IS FOR NOUGHT ALL THIS POTENTIAL IN ME IS FOR NOUGHT ALL THIS POTENTIAL IN ME IS FOR NOUGHT ALL THIS POTENTIAL, PUT OUT, FORGOT S2: BIDING TIME IN A BLACK HOLE TIME COLLAPSED AT THE EDGE OF NOTHINGNESS THESE WALLS I BUILT TO LAST CRUMBLED WITH THE PAST AND NOTHING’S LEFT I’M FLOATING, AIMLESS ADRIFT, REMISS, IN THIS ENDLESS PIT DETACHED AND FADING FAST THIS WORMHOLE, MY SOUL THE LIFE I’VE LED, THE ENDLESS DREAD EXACTS ITS TOLL THIS WORMHOLE, MY SOUL CAN’T FIND A WAY TO BETTER DAYS WHILE BIDING TIME IN A BLACK HOLE I FEEL LIKE ENDLESSNESS IS MY BEST OPTION IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO START WHEN TIME IS FROZEN THE GRAVITY AND WEIGHT OF MY FAILING HIDE AWAY FROM THE WORLD WHERE NOTHING CAN HURT SO DARK MY LIGHT WON’T BE ESCAPING NO ONE CAN SAVE ME NOW I’M LOST AND WON’T BE FOUND THIS WORMHOLE, MY SOUL LONELINESS, SELF-INFLICTED HIDE AWAY FROM MY REASONS THIS WORMHOLE, MY SOUL DON’T WANT YOUR BETTER DAYS I’M BIDING TIME IN THIS BLACK HOLE ENDLESSNESS IS MY ONLY OPTION THE SPACE BETWEEN NULL AND VOID NOW I SOUGHT THE SOLITUDE OF THIS PLACE IN THE EMPTINESS OF SPACE CELESTIAL RECOVERY FROM SOCIETY LOCKING MYSELF SO FAR AWAY I WONDER NOW, AT THE END WAS IT FOR THIS VOID THAT I WAS MEANT? HIDE AWAY FROM THE EVERYDAY NO SHRED OF LIFE WAS I TO GIVE? SO MANY PEOPLE I COULD’VE SAVED ALL THE LIVES BRIGHTENED ALONG THE WAY BUT NOW THAT’S ALL EVISCERATED I’VE NOTHING LEFT BUT MY SHAME AND THIS WORMHOLE, MY SOUL COLLAPSED FOR NOUGHT GONE FROM THE WORLD FOR GOOD THIS WORMHOLE, MY SOUL THE MEMORY ERASED WHILE BIDING TIME IN MY BLACK HOLE S3: MIND MALADIES SICK AND TWISTED PREDILECTION, MISFIT, NITWIT HOLE INSIDE YOUR HEAD AND NOW YOU’RE CLAWING YOUR WAY TO THE CENTER WHATCHA GONNA FIND IN THERE YA SENSELESS WEAKLIN’? NOTHING BUT AN EMPTY SHELL TURN BACK, BEGONE! THIS PLACE IS HELL! (HELL! HELL!) WHAT DO I DO? I’M TRAPPED IN MY MIND AND IT’S CRUMBLING THROUGH! HELL! HELL! WHAT DO I SAY? I CAN’T FIND THE STRENGTH TO FIGHT THIS WAY! (HELL! HELL!) IT’S TAKING CONTROL… MY DEMONS ARE FEEDING AND TAKING IT ALL! WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I SAY? THIS MIND MALADY RIPS MY SPIRIT AWAY! RIP ME AWAY! GRIM INTENTION’S GOT YOU DISTANT, DON’T IT, WORTHLESS? HOLE INSIDE YOUR HEART AND YOU CAN’T FIND SOMEONE TO MAKE IT BETTER WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN SOMEONE ENDS IT, SO QUICK? FITTING END FOR A MIND THAT’S UNWELL THIS PLACE IS YOUR HELL! THERE’S NO GETTING OUT! (HELL! HELL!) WHAT DO I DO? I’M DROWNING LIES, BEING BURIED BY TRUTH! (HELL! HELL!) WHAT DO I SAY? THE PAIN SEEPS THROUGH, I’M LOST IN THE FRAY! (HELL! HELL!) WHAT IS THIS VOICE? WHY ARE MY THOUGHTS ATTACKING BY CHOICE? WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I SAY? MY MIND MALADY HAS ME COUNTING MY DAYS! I DON’T WANT TO STAY LIVING IN CONSTANT FEAR AND PAIN OF WHAT THAT VOICE MIGHT SAY THEN I THINK ON WHO I WANT TO BE OF MY THOUGHTS AND HOPES AND DREAMS OF THE PERSON THAT I BECAME THEN I HEAR THAT VOICE BERATING ME AND IT’S LIKE NOTHING I DO SUSTAINS I’M NOT WORTH IT, I’M NOT OKAY! (I AM NOT VALUABLE) (YOU ARE, YOU ARE) (I AM NOT MEANINGFUL) (YOU ARE, YOU ARE) (I AM NOT WORTH IT) (YOU ARE, YOU ARE) (I AM NOT LOVED) (YOU ARE, YOU ARE!) I AM NOT THIS VOICE IN MY HEAD! BREAK THE CYCLE OF INTERNAL CONFLICT! TEACH YOUR SELF TO KNOW YOUR WORTH! FIND HOPE IN YOUR OWN MEANING! YOU HAVE THE POWER TO SHAKE THE EARTH! RISE ABOVE THESE VICIOUS THOUGHTS RISE ABOVE ALL THAT HAS HELD YOU DOWN DON’T LET THIS BE YOUR ENDING YOU HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO GIVE I AM VALUABLE! I AM MEANINGFUL! I AM WORTH IT! I AM LOVED! S4: THRONE OF CONSCIOUSNESS TRANSCENDENT OF MIND REMOVED FROM TIME NOT LOOKING BACK OR FORWARD NOW THE PRESENT’S ALL WE OWN UNTETHER MY SOUL AND SHOW ME HOW TO GROW ATOP MY THRONE OF CONSCIOUSNESS THIS REALITY OPENS UP I FEEL THE WORLD AT MY FINGERTIPS MANIFEST THE INFINITE, CREATION LIMITLESS THIS IS POWER THAT WE ALL HAVE TO CHOOSE EVERYDAY A NEW DECISION, EVERY INFLUENCE WE ARE GIVEN STEP BACK FROM YOUR VIRULENT THOUGHTS REALIZE THAT YOU’VE GOT EVERY RIGHT TO CREATE THE PATH BEFORE YOU I CAN FEEL IT NOW THE SUN ON MY FACE THE WARMTH I’D LONGED TO TASTE AND NOW, I SEE MYSELF IN EVERY RIPPLE AND WAKE THE PERSON I WAS MEANT TO BE (PULL IT OUT) SEE YOURSELF AS YOU WERE MEANT TO BE (REACHING OUT) YOU HAVE TO TAKE WHAT YOU DESERVE NOW (PULL IT OUT) REMOVE YOURSELF FROM TIME AND YOU’LL SEE (REACHING OUT) THE HANDS THAT WILL SAVE YOU ARE YOUR OWN YOU’VE GOT TO WANT IT YOU’VE GOT TO WANT IT WITH EVERYTHING YOU’VE GOT I CAN FEEL IT NOW THE SUN ON MY FACE THE WARMTH I’D LONGED TO TASTE AND NOW, I SEE MYSELF IN EVERY RIPPLE AND WAKE THE PERSON I WAS MEANT TO BE ATOP THIS THRONE OF CONSCIOUSNESS FEELING ALIVE, I WAS BORN FOR THIS BORN TO BE ME BORN TO BE THE ME I’M SUPPOSED TO BE DON’T GIVE UP DON’T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF DON’T GIVE UP DON’T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF S5: THE CANDLE THAT WOULDN’T GO OUT I AM THE FLAME THAT WON’T GO OUT I AM THE FLAME THAT WON’T GO OUT BURNING I’M ON FIRE NOW THE SPARK THAT WOULDN’T START BLAZING SUPERNOVA BURNING DOWN RAGING I’M AT THE TOP OF MY GAME FOUND MY ANSWERS NOW EVERYDAY’S A PASSING DREAM I CAN MANAGE I FOUND THE STRENGTH TO MOVE TO FACE THE WORLD (ALL IT’S TURNS) TO FIGHT FOR MY TRUTH THEY SAY “HEAVEN’S NOT A PLACE THAT YOU GO WHEN YOU DIE IT’S THAT MOMENT IN LIFE WHERE YOU ACTUALLY FEEL ALIVE” GO! LIVE THIS LIFE! BURN BRIGHT! BURN QUICK AND BURN BRIGHT! I AM THE FLAME THAT WON’T GO OUT I AM THE FLAME THAT WON’T GO OUT I AM THE FLAME THAT WON’T GO OUT
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I’m a swarm of chaotic thinking. No intention, just action. No intention in action, no planning. How do I fight my nature? I can’t find happiness in stricture. My happiness in hedonism. Who is to say what is better? Everyone has their own path. I tried to fight against myself, but that was a battle against a hurricane. Then I embraced the hurricane. I became the hurricane, utterly. But eventually a hurricane meets ground and subsides. Everything dies. Unbridled emotion eviscerates and fades to to nothing, but I don’t want to fade. I don't want to die. I want to resonate. I want to be inescapable matter, forever vibrating. An echo, a belief. Words on the winds without the rain. An ever-raging hurricane. How do I make a mark on this place? How do I leave but never escape?
I stare up at the starry sky
As I reflect on life, as the night reflects on mine Wondering how far away they must be How far away they still seem I stare into the sky thinking how the wind upon my cheek Must be much colder up there, in the ether O'er the many lightyears it would take to reach them Seems like a triviality now, in my speck-of-sand existence Quietly, I see the moon in all her grandeur but she has not the answer What I crave is much farther away A celestial phantasm of the mind, or the divine? At this point I truly cannot say I can only watch as light floods the darkness Million year old iridescence in silence, in emptiness They're still so far away And I, here, floating... among the others Worried of the rigors tomorrow will hold But suddenly, everything just feels... small In this speck-of-sand existence Then I close my eyes and look away Trying to forget the stars I've seen <\>
"Slip through the veil of reality with me This nightly fantasy Close our eyes for a time In absence of the light Motion picture shows free flow Creativity just goes and goes and goes Spinning the tale of one's subconscious In the silence of unconsciousness Which viewing will we see tonight? What will the screenplay say about our minds?" What comprises a dream? Our brains do not so easily decipher between thoughts, feelings and realities Therein Like when you awake from your slumber but while you were under your brain wondered why your significant other was lying with another In your dream But the thought, feeling and reality was that this were true At least to you Because you dreamt it and you felt it in that dream Why does this phenomena occur and recur? What about our subconscious is so tied to what's obscure? Then even more what does it mean when we cease to dream at all? Is there some void of recollection or is our mind simply a pall? I am appalled At how little on the subject is truly known When my dreams amaze me constantly but I know nothing of why they're shown But in the blissful ignorance of sleep To my dreams I will retreat Repeat and repeat and repeat To rebuild, to replenish To hide from my surroundings and their blemishes To take a trip (a vacation) to my whole other world There's scratches on my glasses
They seem to blur all my existence But in the same way they are testament To what I've seen and how I view all this Isn't that just like life? Starry-eyed how we begin Then we're introduced to sin Then it dulls and scrapes our lens Corrupted... destruction within Then we can't see differently Hatred comes so easily Allowing the world to cloud our sight When no one really knows what's right Buy a new pair of glasses Change your frames, kid Aging.
Body. Fleeting. Rotting. Living. Dying. Breathing. Nothing. (Then nothing...) The end comes sooner than we think But we control what's in between Our lives hung on a silver string Bodies amassing entropy The soul's shell as it depletes A mind's decline to maddening How do we live with this disease, The evanescence of this dream? (When it breaks) No one can save us (When it takes) All our perspective (We are erased) It's all over now We've simply wandered through this aimless life not knowing why or how And now we're out. Aging. Body. Fleeting. Rotting. Living. Dying. Breathing. Nothing. Gripped in fear, I cling to life Obsessing over daily strife Not knowing when or how I'll die Its coming like a thief at night I have not done all that I want I still have more to give to you There are still corners left unturned I will not die before I've learned I have so much more to give... And now I see the end so clear A lack of accomplishment, not death, is my fear And now this all makes sense The value of impermanence It's not how long we're in this mess It's what we make of it Until we're out. Living. Dying. Breathing. Striving. Waking. Seeking. Being. Fighting. Suffused
Anger imbued Rip into my right hand This unwanted brand Scream against the schema Safety eradicated You can do everything right Some of the time... Our control as its displaced My life in a victimless trade Or was that really the case? Is there a place for this blame? Wrestled within my head, this consciousness Sleepless amidst dreams of dread Visions from beyond my death The scar of events etched on my right hand Is this meaningless? Predestination This godlike vocation I raged against it My right hand relinquished When you're only right some of the time Who makes sense of what's yours or mine? The esoteric essence? The evanescent elected? Governance misdirected At society's discretion Is this meaningless? This is existence burns with regret Propelled by lies of betterment Progress, regress; it's a fucking mess War or peace is manufactured within And like the factory we produce beliefs And they construct our reality When the key to life is simplicity But intricacy is valued in complexity What does it all fucking mean? How do we trust anything we've seen? The knowledge begets the question: Have we ever truly lived? Did we always have nothing to give? Was our existence meaningless? Or was it some sort of gift? Life abound in insignificance Predetermined and dead before we began? This can't be how it ends An endless deathloop can't be heavensent Perhaps the answer is within our grasp Was free-will snatched from our fingertips? Though the burden be of choice Then this burden I will bear The power we all have within The power to choose to begin Lies in my right hand This unwanted brand /// By those lifeless eyes I know you It's like I stare back into mine Awaken
Hasten Waiting for the quickness In absence of essence Promise I was given Of respite It never existed Or was it beyond my vision? Birthright never christened Purpose never envisioned Is this the extent of my existence? Am I such a misfit? Sit here on my own Dull undertone Left alone Is it wrong that I feel at home? Solitude as its shone The isolation I've become Is there happiness in this madness? The clairvoyant clarity of correction This drug that enhances me Modifies, molds and directs everything My chaos engulfing I just don't feel anything Lapse in absence Pulse without sense You said it was for the best Where was my consent? Correctional facility I am a prison of me Barriers surrounding Intention without ending Inspiration without grounding Memory without existing This is disturbing How out of touch it all seems I could go on and on with this Product of the mess I'm in Disordered structure Lost but found; abducted The spiral ascends My mind twists and bends I wish it would end But its just how it begins Grinding teeth, gnashing Wondering Is this the me I'm supposed to be? Is this supposed to be me, happy? My, my, what a question? Why don't I just say fuck everything? Wouldn't that be so easy? Is that what's best.... easy? Play out life simply, watch it repeat? I won't rest. I won't rest. I will not rest. Alone - as I may be. Here - what I can be The me I'm supposed to be Without you all judging I am a prison of me And this prison is lovely Rust
Weighed heavy on the foundation Easily broken Brittle bones Of the soul The home built on lies Collapsed The metal cracked and died And all of it's on my mind I thought I carved out my purpose Into myself I thought I knew where I stood Thought I had a place But the more these days go by The more I thrash at these walls The quicker it breaks My purpose fades and is erased The body is a temple that dilapidates We're all given one Rise and fall with the sun, pretend it's all fun But they're all wasting away We're on borrowed time Evident everyday until we're done Believing it's a search for one's soul A journey for something we had all along Or maybe we don't? Maybe it's long gone And it's weighed on my mind for so long Impermanence rooted at the heart of it all Death and it's finality, How it strips and steals everything, callously Ending before we're ready Before we've even discovered our meaning What sort of life is this? That we're cast here; aimless, And told to make something of it? Just a mass of existence without direction But what would life be without death? Would we ever truly value it, If the thought wasn't present that there is an end? Would there be purpose without impermanence? The fact that life is short is the gift It's our utmost obligation to enjoy it It's our choice to believe what we believe - To fulfill our passions and follow our dreams Once we accept our finality... our end... That's the moment when we truly begin to live... |
Author"Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls." - Anais Nin Archives
February 2023
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