Lost the grip, thought it slipped
But it wasn’t It just wasn’t Was chasing the manifestation of something That I thought you stood for A life, a creation, a representation But the will wasn’t there The heart just wasn’t full Or so I’m told The fearless and bold as they grow old Lost loving sentences in the deluge of angry rhetoric Was my anger misplaced? Did my overexerted rage let your sins be erased? How did I let the past put me last? Get a grip, let it slip, accept what it is Goddamn I’m really sorry for everything I did Or didn’t do, and what that meant to you For lack of all I was or wouldn’t become Damn I’m really sorry you don’t value who I am Because I’m happy with where I’m at Love my life and my plans Got the world in my palm and love it with my all But that doesn’t seem enough for you It’s all about you and what you’ve got or not Value in the dollar sign Emotional intelligence as it’s undermined Validation in this monotony Why can’t you just love me for me? Growing tired of the farce, the loss of trust Get me out of this hellhole of lust I’ve come to terms with the person I am And grown to love him, Whether you care or don’t give a shit
0 Comments
such a waste as you erase, fall far out of grace
turn your back on the rest, morals all but left the constant need to juggle, the self-inflicted struggle bat a wandering eye while walking idly by one good look, all it took, now they're instantly hooked sick that it makes you proud that you draw such a crowd the deep, sinking hole that has become your soul the depravity holds no gravity when you call it serendipity such a sad world to hold as I'm lost in the fold caught the wandering eye, became ingrained in the lie my reality as it collapses, awash with drunk passion suppose it's my own fault - no restraint, no control that's strike one, proceed with caution didn't ask you for much, really anything at all you came during the flood, when everything was wrong my life, the twist, destruction in the tryst never should have been in the situation to begin in light of the lie that collapsed another life fucking around just to dull out the sound forget every moment spent with the disconnect what the hell am I but a subculture left to die? mistreated introspection you'd hide from detection? enlightened inner sight you'd hide from your own eyes a blotted out collection of misconstrued conjecture and thoughts long begot that you'd just rather not there's strike two, put it all on you feel the slightest bit alone when you head to your home? a familiar hold, an air ever-told, of a similar mold den inbred with the shame and the dread festering, pestering, worsening as you're wondering sleepwalking all night against constant fright fear of your other as he discovers your poor cover the fear as it's fed whilst you're lying in your bed tossing and turning through the pain and the yearning conceited and defeated from the life you depleted confused why it's this way when you're entirely to blame and these tired eyes writhe as they fade into the night empty and wide, buried before they've died ...strike three, get the fuck away from me three strikes, now the end is in sight cut off, collapse, as everything crashes three strikes, now I'm done with this strife you're cut off, collapsed - the destroyer of passion it's a story that has been told so many times before
and while the tale is told the same each time it never fails to pull at every heart string it will always bring those with similar experiences to their knees and thus the narrator begins: there are oceans between us, darling, oceans but nightly I look out from the harbor of the lonely seaside town I've built with bare hands watching the lighthouse rotate in the starlight calling out to the ocean to guide you back should you wish to return and while the palm trees sway with the wind and the moon above illuminates my path through the cold, saturated sand I'll stand out in the water all night in high hope that tonight will be the night but I say that every night and as the sun dyes the horizon all manners of lucidly-present pastel my green island crescent is once again returned to life and the day beings anew the lighthouse rests and thus I return home to complete the day's work with each days improvement my mind is settled through work, I am relieved of idle thought idle thought of you and through action I am spared but only while I chase the sun for when it sleeps it all comes rushing back with the moon and tide the memory of you comes rushing back every time and this night, like every other night I wade out into the guidance of the harbor the trees upon the hills in narrow direction toward open water and with the northern star above everything points towards you each night I wade out further the water rises higher and higher with each step the sand shifting below only aiding the descent but when I've gone deeper than the night before I cease, and wait I wait all night long in high hope that tonight will be the night but I know how this will end I've always known how it will end because each day, you never grow closer to me but I with every step I grow closer to you with every inch of water by which I descend is another inch closer to being with you again and on the day when the water rises above my head I'll wait for you to come back I'll wait all night for you to come back there are oceans between us, darling, oceans you below and me above but now we can be together again I'm coming down to get you you were the wayward one
and I was the droning voice tearing you in two directions and while you were the ear that received the sounds I was the sharp ringing in those ears: a nuisance I was the wayward one and you were the soft light guiding me back home and while I was the vagrant in search of purpose you were the North Star in the sky: a sense of direction you were the salt of the earth but I was the manifestation of corruption and while you were the healing hand to save the afflicted I was the plague biting that hand and its owner I was the salt of the earth but you were the kind soul inspiring me to be better and while I was the man seeking earthly perfection you were the angel aspiring me to higher callings you were the ocean and I was the sewage from a nearby landfill and while you were the depths and the weight of the world I was the pollutant, the poison in the well I was the ocean and you were the sand upon the beach and sea floor and while I was the weight of the world on you you were the stability, the chalice of my undefined form you were the desert and I was the mirage confusing the wayfarers and while you were the oasis providing vitality I was the heatwave to sap and exhaust their weary bodies I was the desert and you were the soft, unexpected breeze to cool a traveler's brow and while I was the scorching sun blazing overhead you were the unanticipated rain to soothe the burn you were the sky and I was the storm of ravens to black out the light and while you were the entity to which my wings were home I was the scar on the summer horizon: a blight I was the sky and you were the blue of the ocean for me to reflect and while I was the wretched gray and tattered boundary you were the beautiful colors of the sunset on the summer horizon you were the lover and I was the one who brought you down and while you were the stars in my sky I was the thorn in your side I was the lover and you were the one who lifted me up on high and while I was the pain you felt in your heart you were the smile of my soul I never smiled so wide as when I was with you "No, it's not meant to be like this...
Take me with you! Take me too! Wait, where are you going? Stop, please! PLEASE! STOP DAMMIT STOP! Come back. I don't belong here It's not meant to be like this I'm not supposed to stay People come and go for less Some people don't have a choice Others are taken unjustly This was all my fault I am the only one to blame Why are they all taken and I'm left behind? I'm not supposed to stay I don't belong here It's not meant to be like this" There are some things we aren't meant to walk away from The kinds of things that make you question the fiber of reality The life-ruining, all-encompassing end as it was thought to be The finality as it approaches you from the darkness The Night Thief, the fear of a quick-stripped, unfulfilled existence death..... death..... I felt the speed, the rush of the road as it blew past The invincibility of the moment, the winding turns The flight of the world past my eyes, past my life A late night for a long drive, a long drive for eternal night "They all say I should have died, If that's what is right, then why am I alive?" Caught the turn the wrong way, the verdict was The rubber screeching and rancid as it burned Contact with the outer edge of the street - resistance A choppy outline of the ground - inverted And my body, lost in this mess A still point at the crux of a moment, on the edge of inexistence And then a crash, a cloud of obscurity, and then calm.................... The world looks so different from this angle What's left of my world, that is The path I walked beneath my feet now raised far above my head Flashing blue lights and their bright white eyes I see you. I SEE you. Why do I still see? Do you see me? Why am I still breathing? "They say I should have died, If that's what is right, then why am I alive?" There are some things we aren't meant to walk away from A midnight flight doesn't end right but I'm alright? How am I alright? What gives me the right? None of this is right. "I don't belong here, It's not meant to be like this I'm not supposed to stay" This is rejection. This is cold-hearted denial. I was so close to the end only to be told that it wasn't my time Why? "People come and go for less" I confronted the Night Thief but he'd since turned over a new leaf Said he wasn't ready to take me just yet I walked up to Death's cold door and knocked and he told me to go. away. For what reason am I being kept here? Halfway in the grave and pulled out unwillingly and for what? Why? "Why are they all taken and I'm left behind?" Left behind to face the litigation, representation of the law The raw retribution of of legality and totality In addition to the ambiguity of causality of my survival My revival? No. This is a funeral in and of its own Made out to be a criminal, those cynical eyes from the panel Judge my fate and lock me away I'm on the outside now, I'm one of them now The world looks so different from this angle What's left of my world, that is The path I walked beneath my feet now raised far above my head Options erased, bright future now a waste Can't look at my own face without judgment and hate For what reason am I being kept here? What good do I have left to give? Why am I still alive when all I want is to die? There are some things we aren't meant to walk away from Scrapped metal and a scrapped life left in the dust A lonely ditch with a lonely absence of presence A man raised from a shamed grave and for what? My mind keeps saying over and over "They all say I should have died, If that's what is right, then why am I alive?" But that doesn't change the simple fact That doesn't change that no matter the contrary I desire i'm. still. here. I'm still here breathing and walking among you all From darkness into light once more, from light to life thereafter I've fallen on the living side of the edge I walked I don't know why I'm still here I don't think I'm meant to know why I'm still here Whether this is a second chance at another grand exit Or the opportunity to hold onto my life and protect it It's a second life I've been given Another walk amongst the living And here I stand, among you all Ready to fulfill it Ready to embrace it And to discover the purpose of my re-existence I am... the GraveWalker. death..... death..... go. away. i'm. still. here. there's darkness in this world
and we all let it consume us it creeps in us without us within us beyond us and it eats at all that we think we are all that we think we can become we let the dark envelope us but the reality is we are what we envision we are the light we see we are the light we decide to become and the most disheartening fact of life is that our heart decides what we will become our fears, our lies, will melt away if we allow it, or lose it our decisions, our actions will pave the way, or destroy it there's darkness in this world am I being consumed? or am I controlling it? is it controlling me? or am I being consumed? where are the lines of your life really drawn? where do you hold power? do not let darkness overthrow do not let power enrich let virtue sway let heart enlighten let goodness consume let altruism embody let the heart live let life be from darkness, there is always light |
Author"Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls." - Anais Nin Archives
February 2023
|
Proudly powered by Weebly