I've been half-breathing for quite some time now
Stifled exhales, restricted lungs 
An anxiety-ridden gasp for full intake
It's not enough to take in the air
It's not enough to want to fill your lungs
Self-inflicted suffocation is the slowest of them all

In a room saturated with noxious gas
Staring at an open door, but I sit choking and motionless 
I breathe in the toxic fumes over and over
Stifled inhales, restricted lungs
Looking through the open door, but never actually seeing beyond
It's the smoker's dilemma
I'll quit tomorrow
I'll quit killing myself slowly tomorrow 
But this room is not a cigarette
This room is not material
I've been half-breathing for quite some time now
I think it's about time I showed myself out

A step towards the door and the floor is no more
I'm falling, falling... falling faster now
Headfirst like a plane shot to earth
The wind rushing through my hair as the surface approaches
Through space and ether, clouds and rain and air
A tidal splash
A meteor piercing the ocean
A rush, everything surrounding
And then... 
Silence.
Cold, pure, dark silence beneath the waves
For miles and miles around there is nothing
Nothing but the placidity of submersion 
After half-breathing for all this time
This is what it feels like to not breathe at all? 
It's peaceful, it seems
But at some point we all have to come up for air

Above the waves the wind howls and the sea roars
A cyclone whips to and fro as lightning tears through the sky
I'm struggling to swim, half-breathing again
Lost and powerless amongst the elements
Fighting just to stay alive
As I pan around for wreckage
Searching for semblance of life or reprieve
While the tempest rips and whisks me away
By it's mercy, will I see another day? 
Eyes closed, hold my breath and hope on hope 
And then nothingness, oblivion 
Objection to existence

I find myself on solid ground
Yet again the darkness envelops me
Surrounding, constricting, binding and breaking 
I have come from this room, barely breathing
Clung to life in the squall, barely breathing
And though I now stand on my own two feet
I ask myself, "where has my journey really gotten me?"

I won't find fault in my steps
I needed this breath
I needed to make a change
I needed my life to have purpose
And chose MY best way to make it happen
I am proud to say I took this leap
But now with the darkness around me
I'm exhausted, cold and lonely
And I ask myself, "was I better off?" 
After years of half-breathing
Against the notion of life now ceasing
"Should I ever have walked through the door?" 

​You shouldn't find fault in your steps
You needed this breath
You needed to make a change
Your life will have purpose 
Because you chose to make it 
​You mustn't accept this defeat

You just need to breathe...

BREATHE IN...

Oh, the rush!!! 
The rush of the crisp air as it fills your lungs!
The cold bite of a desperate gasp for oxygen!
After having been suffocated for so long
After choking on the ozone of our incompatibility all these years
After nearly drowning in the face of my fall from grace
Oh, the rush!!!
The rush of that first breath! 
Like the first cry of a newborn once their lungs have filled for the first time!
Like the exasperated sob of a runner at the end of a marathon! 
Breathe in! 
Breathe in!!!

Some time goes by and I awake on the shoreline
Watching the waves placidly kiss the bay
I'm alone now, watching the the clouds pass me by
No storm marring the horizon
I think about where I've been and what it took to get me here
And I breathe in, once again
And sigh out
The world is mine now

Flight
Like free-falling and hitting the sky
Like gravity lost all its hold
And the stars never seemed so close
Could we swim in the black tide? 
Because that's how I feel when I look in your eyes
We ripple through the sky
Like drops of happiness into an empty night
I wish we could swim forever
Because in reality you're so far away
Miles are but grim reminders
Of the distance that pushes us apart
These big city lights don't mean anything anymore
Not so much as the sparkle in your eye
When you smile, when you laugh
In my memories you're like golden light
And that's when you shine
In my memory, you shine

If it were up to me, you know where I'd be
In your arms like in the best of my memories
But I can't and I know it and so do you
So forever and always the distance excludes
The feelings, the thoughts, the memories of old
The times when life was was blissful and bold
The times when we laughed at nothing at all
The times we waited for the other to call
In hopes that they would just want to hear the voice
Of the lover who loved, and loved by choice
But now all those times are distant memories
Lovely past lights as they're glimmering

To me you still shine in my memories

I want to give you everything
I want to tear down every wall and every barrier
That I've put up around myself 
For you, my dear, all for you
I want to show you what it is to fall head over heels in love
I want to forget the world with you and make our own
But now is not the time for that, my love

We are too young, you and I
I cannot call you to give up your life 
The way I want to give mine to you
We both have so much life yet to live 

Through the years I would fight for you 
But now is not the time
You are so young and so am I
I want you to live the life you have yet to know

So I fear that this is goodbye
For now, maybe forever
Because I want you to know what is out there
I want you to see the world for its good and its bad
Through your own eyes
And maybe you'll find something greater than I
And there you will stay
But if not
I'll still be fighting through the years for you
Waiting on the day when you come back home
But for now it's goodbye
Maybe forever

I am giving you everything
I am giving you the world

Use your words
Say anything and I will listen
I will be your impartial jury 
But if you need me to pick a side
I'll do that too
And if you need me to confront the criminal
I will be the bailiff
You can be the witness; tell it all
I will be the judge, I will hear every word
And strike the gavel to the podium for order
Order in your court

But today I am biased
My opinion is twisted against you
I refuse to believe that I think truth
Because I've had clouded judgment for far too long
Emotions being the basis for action, not rationality

Now that's always made things interesting, hasn't it?

If I were a rational man 
I'd have known a long time ago how to quit useless thought
How to throw off addiction
Or how to push myself out of emotion altogether
Rationality is a shackle in many ways
And I'd rather not be hindered or confined

The root of the problem is not emotion in general
But a specific emotion
Probably sadness, brought on by loss
With a medley of others thrown in for added effect
A potent toxin created deep within, scrambling my thoughts
It plays tricks like a hallucinogen
Causes suffering like a depressant
Infects at all hours of the day, even in sleep

Who am I to be a rational thinker
When I live a life intoxicated by these virulent emotions?

Oh, what I wouldn't give to be free of this emotion
But it's more like a parasite than a toxin
A parasite that leeches joy and siphons happiness
And there's no real prescription for a cure
There's a solution to the problem rooted in rationality
But the pathogen destroys all thoughts of that nature

It isn't completely hopeless though
Eventually we all become so weak
That the parasites in all of us have nothing to latch onto
And they die
And we get better 

I feel new strength within me this day
Less sick than the day before
The disease may flare up every now and again
But the real problem is gone
And I can be rational now
Putting the diseased thoughts to rest
I have the remedy for love

I'm twenty-five years old
Every day digging that six foot hole
When I was younger they told me I'd have it all
As I look up at my diploma on the wall 
Damn, I just want to smash it 
I laugh at the delusion that it means shit
Amidst the rest of the scene I'm in
My sordid, little pig pen
Residue on the desk
Empty beer cans, fucking mess
Trash missed the can
Piled up, unkempt, endless 

Goddamn, this is what a fuck up I am

I'm twenty-nine years old
Wondering how I ended up in this hole
Forever in the passenger seat
Driving's not really my thing, so says the county
They seem to really have a problem with me
I'm just trying to do my own thing
Crack a cold one and I'll get over it
Have twelve or twenty and I'll completely forget
Smoke a little weed then it's finally gone
No need to worry with this prescription I'm on
Someday I'll be an actor and I'll be the man
Repeat that lie to myself over again 

Goddamn, this is what a fuck up I am

I'm thirty-three years old
Walls starting to look tall in this six foot hole
Made my way out of yet another job
Apparently it's frowned upon to come in drunk
How the hell was I supposed to know? 
Since when can't a bartender drink what they've sold? 
I really didn't need that shit gig
When I'm out in Cali, I'm gonna make it big
This year's gonna be the year, I can feel it
Then you'll all see what I've been saying
I just need to get exposure so they know who I am
It's all going to come together, it's gonna all make sense

Goddamn, this is what a fuck up I am

I'm thirty-seven years old
They filled it all in, I'm buried in my hole
Never ended up making it out west
Got some bitch pregnant and she kept the kid
Had to actually keep my job to help pay for it
"Pull and pray" turned out to be ineffective
Started dabbling in pills to make the days go by
Pop it with some vodka and hang on for the ride
Didn't know just where this ride would take me
The room got cold and everything started spinning
It started getting dark when the walls caved in
I never imagined that it would end like this...

Goddamn, this is what a fuck up I am

But there's a small shred of hope
For everyone like me who's struggling to cope
I'm still only twenty-nine
And I've still got time to turn around my life
This story doesn't have to end when I'm thirty-seven
But the difference lies in my own actions
Do I act on my passions or lead a life of indifference?
Always making excuses? 
"Don't worry, man, it'll happen when it happens"
That mentality is bullshit
They never judge you by what you say, you have to actually do it

I may be a fuck up, but it doesn't have to be all I am