I've been half-breathing for quite some time now
Stifled exhales, restricted lungs An anxiety-ridden gasp for full intake It's not enough to take in the air It's not enough to want to fill your lungs Self-inflicted suffocation is the slowest of them all In a room saturated with noxious gas Staring at an open door, but I sit choking and motionless I breathe in the toxic fumes over and over Stifled inhales, restricted lungs Looking through the open door, but never actually seeing beyond It's the smoker's dilemma I'll quit tomorrow I'll quit killing myself slowly tomorrow But this room is not a cigarette This room is not material I've been half-breathing for quite some time now I think it's about time I showed myself out A step towards the door and the floor is no more I'm falling, falling... falling faster now Headfirst like a plane shot to earth The wind rushing through my hair as the surface approaches Through space and ether, clouds and rain and air A tidal splash A meteor piercing the ocean A rush, everything surrounding And then... Silence. Cold, pure, dark silence beneath the waves For miles and miles around there is nothing Nothing but the placidity of submersion After half-breathing for all this time This is what it feels like to not breathe at all? It's peaceful, it seems But at some point we all have to come up for air Above the waves the wind howls and the sea roars A cyclone whips to and fro as lightning tears through the sky I'm struggling to swim, half-breathing again Lost and powerless amongst the elements Fighting just to stay alive As I pan around for wreckage Searching for semblance of life or reprieve While the tempest rips and whisks me away By it's mercy, will I see another day? Eyes closed, hold my breath and hope on hope And then nothingness, oblivion Objection to existence I find myself on solid ground Yet again the darkness envelops me Surrounding, constricting, binding and breaking I have come from this room, barely breathing Clung to life in the squall, barely breathing And though I now stand on my own two feet I ask myself, "where has my journey really gotten me?" I won't find fault in my steps I needed this breath I needed to make a change I needed my life to have purpose And chose MY best way to make it happen I am proud to say I took this leap But now with the darkness around me I'm exhausted, cold and lonely And I ask myself, "was I better off?" After years of half-breathing Against the notion of life now ceasing "Should I ever have walked through the door?" You shouldn't find fault in your steps You needed this breath You needed to make a change Your life will have purpose Because you chose to make it You mustn't accept this defeat You just need to breathe... BREATHE IN... Oh, the rush!!! The rush of the crisp air as it fills your lungs! The cold bite of a desperate gasp for oxygen! After having been suffocated for so long After choking on the ozone of our incompatibility all these years After nearly drowning in the face of my fall from grace Oh, the rush!!! The rush of that first breath! Like the first cry of a newborn once their lungs have filled for the first time! Like the exasperated sob of a runner at the end of a marathon! Breathe in! Breathe in!!! Some time goes by and I awake on the shoreline Watching the waves placidly kiss the bay I'm alone now, watching the the clouds pass me by No storm marring the horizon I think about where I've been and what it took to get me here And I breathe in, once again And sigh out The world is mine now
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Flight
Like free-falling and hitting the sky Like gravity lost all its hold And the stars never seemed so close Could we swim in the black tide? Because that's how I feel when I look in your eyes We ripple through the sky Like drops of happiness into an empty night I wish we could swim forever Because in reality you're so far away Miles are but grim reminders Of the distance that pushes us apart These big city lights don't mean anything anymore Not so much as the sparkle in your eye When you smile, when you laugh In my memories you're like golden light And that's when you shine In my memory, you shine If it were up to me, you know where I'd be In your arms like in the best of my memories But I can't and I know it and so do you So forever and always the distance excludes The feelings, the thoughts, the memories of old The times when life was was blissful and bold The times when we laughed at nothing at all The times we waited for the other to call In hopes that they would just want to hear the voice Of the lover who loved, and loved by choice But now all those times are distant memories Lovely past lights as they're glimmering To me you still shine in my memories I want to give you everything
I want to tear down every wall and every barrier That I've put up around myself For you, my dear, all for you I want to show you what it is to fall head over heels in love I want to forget the world with you and make our own But now is not the time for that, my love We are too young, you and I I cannot call you to give up your life The way I want to give mine to you We both have so much life yet to live Through the years I would fight for you But now is not the time You are so young and so am I I want you to live the life you have yet to know So I fear that this is goodbye For now, maybe forever Because I want you to know what is out there I want you to see the world for its good and its bad Through your own eyes And maybe you'll find something greater than I And there you will stay But if not I'll still be fighting through the years for you Waiting on the day when you come back home But for now it's goodbye Maybe forever I am giving you everything I am giving you the world Use your words
Say anything and I will listen I will be your impartial jury But if you need me to pick a side I'll do that too And if you need me to confront the criminal I will be the bailiff You can be the witness; tell it all I will be the judge, I will hear every word And strike the gavel to the podium for order Order in your court But today I am biased My opinion is twisted against you I refuse to believe that I think truth Because I've had clouded judgment for far too long Emotions being the basis for action, not rationality Now that's always made things interesting, hasn't it? If I were a rational man I'd have known a long time ago how to quit useless thought How to throw off addiction Or how to push myself out of emotion altogether Rationality is a shackle in many ways And I'd rather not be hindered or confined The root of the problem is not emotion in general But a specific emotion Probably sadness, brought on by loss With a medley of others thrown in for added effect A potent toxin created deep within, scrambling my thoughts It plays tricks like a hallucinogen Causes suffering like a depressant Infects at all hours of the day, even in sleep Who am I to be a rational thinker When I live a life intoxicated by these virulent emotions? Oh, what I wouldn't give to be free of this emotion But it's more like a parasite than a toxin A parasite that leeches joy and siphons happiness And there's no real prescription for a cure There's a solution to the problem rooted in rationality But the pathogen destroys all thoughts of that nature It isn't completely hopeless though Eventually we all become so weak That the parasites in all of us have nothing to latch onto And they die And we get better I feel new strength within me this day Less sick than the day before The disease may flare up every now and again But the real problem is gone And I can be rational now Putting the diseased thoughts to rest I have the remedy for love "They never judge you on what you say you're going to do, |
Author"Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls." - Anais Nin Archives
February 2023
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