Half-Breathing (2016)

I've been half-breathing for quite some time now
Stifled exhales, restricted lungs 
An anxiety-ridden gasp for full intake
It's not enough to take in the air
It's not enough to want to fill your lungs
Self-inflicted suffocation is the slowest of them all

In a room saturated with noxious gas
Staring at an open door, but I sit choking and motionless 
I breathe in the toxic fumes over and over
Stifled inhales, restricted lungs
Looking through the open door, but never actually seeing beyond
It's the smoker's dilemma
I'll quit tomorrow
I'll quit killing myself slowly tomorrow 
But this room is not a cigarette
This room is not material
I've been half-breathing for quite some time now
I think it's about time I showed myself out

A step towards the door and the floor is no more
I'm falling, falling... falling faster now
Headfirst like a plane shot to earth
The wind rushing through my hair as the surface approaches
Through space and ether, clouds and rain and air
A tidal splash
A meteor piercing the ocean
A rush, everything surrounding
And then... 
Silence.
Cold, pure, dark silence beneath the waves
For miles and miles around there is nothing
Nothing but the placidity of submersion 
After half-breathing for all this time
This is what it feels like to not breathe at all? 
It's peaceful, it seems
But at some point we all have to come up for air

Above the waves the wind howls and the sea roars
A cyclone whips to and fro as lightning tears through the sky
I'm struggling to swim, half-breathing again
Lost and powerless amongst the elements
Fighting just to stay alive
As I pan around for wreckage
Searching for semblance of life or reprieve
While the tempest rips and whisks me away
By it's mercy, will I see another day? 
Eyes closed, hold my breath and hope on hope 
And then nothingness, oblivion 
Objection to existence

I find myself on solid ground
Yet again the darkness envelops me
Surrounding, constricting, binding and breaking 
I have come from this room, barely breathing
Clung to life in the squall, barely breathing
And though I now stand on my own two feet
I ask myself, "where has my journey really gotten me?"

I won't find fault in my steps
I needed this breath
I needed to make a change
I needed my life to have purpose
And chose MY best way to make it happen
I am proud to say I took this leap
But now with the darkness around me
I'm exhausted, cold and lonely
And I ask myself, "was I better off?" 
After years of half-breathing
Against the notion of life now ceasing
"Should I ever have walked through the door?" 

​You shouldn't find fault in your steps
You needed this breath
You needed to make a change
Your life will have purpose 
Because you chose to make it 
​You mustn't accept this defeat

You just need to breathe...

BREATHE IN...

Oh, the rush!!! 
The rush of the crisp air as it fills your lungs!
The cold bite of a desperate gasp for oxygen!
After having been suffocated for so long
After choking on the ozone of our incompatibility all these years
After nearly drowning in the face of my fall from grace
Oh, the rush!!!
The rush of that first breath! 
Like the first cry of a newborn once their lungs have filled for the first time!
Like the exasperated sob of a runner at the end of a marathon! 
Breathe in! 
Breathe in!!!

Some time goes by and I awake on the shoreline
Watching the waves placidly kiss the bay
I'm alone now, watching the the clouds pass me by
No storm marring the horizon
I think about where I've been and what it took to get me here
And I breathe in, once again
And sigh out
The world is mine now