I've been half-breathing for quite some time now
Stifled exhales, restricted lungs An anxiety-ridden gasp for full intake It's not enough to take in the air It's not enough to want to fill your lungs Self-inflicted suffocation is the slowest of them all In a room saturated with noxious gas Staring at an open door, but I sit choking and motionless I breathe in the toxic fumes over and over Stifled inhales, restricted lungs Looking through the open door, but never actually seeing beyond It's the smoker's dilemma I'll quit tomorrow I'll quit killing myself slowly tomorrow But this room is not a cigarette This room is not material I've been half-breathing for quite some time now I think it's about time I showed myself out A step towards the door and the floor is no more I'm falling, falling... falling faster now Headfirst like a plane shot to earth The wind rushing through my hair as the surface approaches Through space and ether, clouds and rain and air A tidal splash A meteor piercing the ocean A rush, everything surrounding And then... Silence. Cold, pure, dark silence beneath the waves For miles and miles around there is nothing Nothing but the placidity of submersion After half-breathing for all this time This is what it feels like to not breathe at all? It's peaceful, it seems But at some point we all have to come up for air Above the waves the wind howls and the sea roars A cyclone whips to and fro as lightning tears through the sky I'm struggling to swim, half-breathing again Lost and powerless amongst the elements Fighting just to stay alive As I pan around for wreckage Searching for semblance of life or reprieve While the tempest rips and whisks me away By it's mercy, will I see another day? Eyes closed, hold my breath and hope on hope And then nothingness, oblivion Objection to existence I find myself on solid ground Yet again the darkness envelops me Surrounding, constricting, binding and breaking I have come from this room, barely breathing Clung to life in the squall, barely breathing And though I now stand on my own two feet I ask myself, "where has my journey really gotten me?" I won't find fault in my steps I needed this breath I needed to make a change I needed my life to have purpose And chose MY best way to make it happen I am proud to say I took this leap But now with the darkness around me I'm exhausted, cold and lonely And I ask myself, "was I better off?" After years of half-breathing Against the notion of life now ceasing "Should I ever have walked through the door?" You shouldn't find fault in your steps You needed this breath You needed to make a change Your life will have purpose Because you chose to make it You mustn't accept this defeat You just need to breathe... BREATHE IN... Oh, the rush!!! The rush of the crisp air as it fills your lungs! The cold bite of a desperate gasp for oxygen! After having been suffocated for so long After choking on the ozone of our incompatibility all these years After nearly drowning in the face of my fall from grace Oh, the rush!!! The rush of that first breath! Like the first cry of a newborn once their lungs have filled for the first time! Like the exasperated sob of a runner at the end of a marathon! Breathe in! Breathe in!!! Some time goes by and I awake on the shoreline Watching the waves placidly kiss the bay I'm alone now, watching the the clouds pass me by No storm marring the horizon I think about where I've been and what it took to get me here And I breathe in, once again And sigh out The world is mine now
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Author"Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls." - Anais Nin Archives
February 2023
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