What was our life when it began?
Was there some beauty in the mess? I've pondered years of interaction Wondering if we should've met Through hopeless distance, I adored you In awkward silence, I came alive If our whole lives were in this moment Then there is meaning, I contrive Perhaps a silhouette, a ghost now Phantasmal dancing in the room There was once some sense of happiness In it's memory, I'm consumed I turn my tired eyes towards our failure Flipping through every empty page This leather binding just reminds me Of how I turned and walked away But if you're reading, please believe This book could be complete someday I'll keep on writing, you here with me Our story in a vibrant, colored array This was our life when it began There was beauty in the mess I'd give up all my years of searching Just to relive the moment we met
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I remember it all now
The way it felt The time, the era Goddamn it was just yesterday But it wasn't The innocence of the child That I was That I'm not anymore The song The resonance The incandescence of a past age My youth calls A forgotten part of life Begging to be heard again He is not dead The me who sleeps in the deep He's right there, smiling Like there was something That I'm meant to see The reverie, the memory Crypt-digging In a live mind What does he want me to find? A scrap of happiness? An ash of aptitude? A remembrance of innocence? What gift does the past give? All I remember is a simple bedroom With a child's bed facing an open window A comforting chair A stream of sunlight, a gentle wind And the songs of memory Bringing me peace Over and over again And he's just sitting there... smiling What do I have to do to get back there? What do I have to do to be him? But wait... I am him. And therein lies the pain. I remember this place. I remember that face and how I wore it that way. Like sadness was never ingrained. Like I'd never felt another way. I remember this place. I was happy this way. But some things change. Life doesn't always continue this way. Tears do not befit you, darling
What troubles are so overwhelming that you would weep so? Is it the ocean going home? Or the tide of realization receding, Leaving you cold and aware of your faults? A baptism of knowledge and newfound morality is sweeping you Like a frothy wave sent to consume the shoreline And all the water you imbibed whilst drowning Now streams down your face In a flood of clarity and self-discovery Despite the tears stinging your eyes You see clearly for the first time And it hurts The pain of regret weighs upon your lungs Choking at every word you try to form For lack of oxygen or better judgment The truth hurts and sometimes it kills At least now you know of your sin But I know none of this is true yet I know you are still drowning All I can do is pray is that you learn to swim But this is a prophecy Better yet, a promise Someday soon the ocean will spit you out From the depths where it held you for far too long And you will fill your lungs with sweet air once more This is a prophecy, a promise Take what you want
Every ounce of sunlight The sea beneath the sky if you must The wind, the cold, the earth Take what you want I am a dreamer Lost in ghostly presence Take from me the memory The twist in the sleepless world Give it shape through insomnia Let these pictures of endings cease Let these visions of sleep convene So soft is the thought Savor it, savor it Like the taste of fresh meat on the tongue Let it fill in hearty fullness As if one's own emptiness was now filled But you were sleep The unattainable, tantalizing As the child feels in want of Christmas morning Only to find upon waking That is is still the Eve The longing now only extends In the event of drifting between the realms So soft, the thought I can see moments of completion With emptiness now made full That, being the dream Through sleep, the unattainable But savor it, savor it Moments like these don't come too often So in the event That I am graced with a good night's rest Let me slip into a coma And never wake up And never stop dreaming Of you I am encapsulated means of destruction
A loose cannon under lockdown At any moment set to burst To become the unbridled rage of an explosion To be the fiery end to my surroundings But there is a comfort in letting it all out To abate the flame and return to the norm Like the renewal of the flash fire to the forest Yet they oil my hinges but keep me in chains A muzzle prevents the spark This mental block I have about losing control About seeing the red I have heard so much about There is comfort in letting it all out Fire blazes to inferno and this passion is unstoppable The unquenchable thirst for life and oxygen To burn and to burn and you cannot stop me now Inhibition is void The sky blackens with ash and cinder litters the earth And all the land is awash in war Between my body and the loss thereof You cannot contain me I will consume everything surrounding This is power This is what they have harkened to so often A terminal brand of insanity within balance No order, just a red swathe of anger It feels so right It feels so right to fall from grace of normalcy Never return me, incinerate for eternity This is power I will not give back May the vengeance of this anger serve its purpose I shall not not stop at conclusion of my goal I'll burn on and on The fuel of the fire upon the sun, in me This is terror, this is violence Supernova, I shall ascend The purest release You cannot contain me I will consume all I'll sleep a thousand summers
Past the brave winter, to the frigid north In desolate absence of the southern wind In this small town where the rain never ceases And the windows on the houses are still always open Where there are holes in every wall With nothing more than sheets to shelter their cold toes I've found a home here among the refugees We're all so happy with our creator's hatred We point our fingers to the sky and say rain We look upon the ground and proclaim stone We run to the river and yell flood We grip to the trees and whisper willow For all we know is sadness All we have ever known is this town And though the economy is stable There is little to export and new immigrants enter daily A small girl walks and places her muddied hand Upon the walls of the town hall Spelling her late mother's name upon the only white building Still left in town The rain beats down and washes clean her hands But the name remains Immortalizing itself in the town's history Slowly we all walk to see the name And subsequently write one of our own The walls begin to grow dirtier And dirtier Soon the building is filthy And not a spot of cleanliness can be found It comes to the point where I look around this town that I call home And I stare at all the blackened buildings And I wonder how many names are written there? I wonder how many people look at these homes And see nothing but terrible memories and pain? Those who see all the lost friends and family members within them Those for whom love was written on the doors and in the hinges And now these homes are bitter memories Tainted reminders of happier times I wish the rain would find a way to wash clean the stains I wish the rain would find a way to wash clean the stains on me But every house I see in this town I can't forget I can't forget all the happy times now gone And all that is present is the rain The rain as it soaks into the walkways of town As it blocks the sunlight from our lives I just want to see the sunlight I just want to see the sunlight as it shone in older times Back when life was better Back when the walls were white with purity When we closed our windows to block the southern wind And had doors instead of holes in the sidings I want to see the sunlight as it shone on the sycamores Before they all slouched in somber remembrance Of what this town used to mean to its denizens And along with the trees, in turn followed the inhabitants Until what you see is our home As it is now As we all are now Played far from the surface
This facade you and I both conform to Betwixt denial of something Or arrogance on part of another I cannot read your intentions so clearly And thus ever deeper am I drawn Into you, into the night Into something so completely against principle For you, I am going against all principle Obtuse thoughts dripped from concave fixtures Deriving complex interjections from irrational minds Don't say that you can save me There is no coming back from this type of forethought No type of recovery from the trauma induced thereof Don't try and think that you can save me The mind has gone away for good It is all forfeit The pain, the weakness The indecision and the worry What's the point? When I won't see the tangible outcome I'll sit here playing out my ideals While the world will go it's own course I'll be a still point in that turning world A timeless thought stuck in a decaying frame And with the world spinning So will you too Far away from the grasp of my ever-fading emotions So this is where the story ends With me sitting on a wintery knoll watching the snow fall And you in a well-furnished home raising a happy family While I brace myself against the cold I'll smile And know that I was the reason things never went right I'll know that my indecision and fear Are the reasons I'm always sitting alone in the cold at night (Hello.) Carry out another lost
(cause) of my problem is that I (lack) of feeling and attachment from (her) eyes never look my (way) to Hell and back is littered with (my intentions) were in my own (self interest) is all I have left. So force it down Force down another swig of reason There is no way to deny it's keen, enlightening stare Now you're forcing me to quit But I'm withdrawing of my own accord The words are flowing inward and outward But there's no way to judge how they're received If the reception takes place at all anymore For I've watched the next scene in this play Where the small town boy finds his voice And he tells the big city girl about his feelings And the curtain closes with a sense of dejection The crowd all rising in protest of the woman And how she couldn't show him the time of day And how they really all know about the big city boy But they can't tell small town boy; that's not the way shows are run And when the curtain opens up again The. crowd has already left Because like the man in the play They know it never really gets any better That this is Broadway in modern times Pessimism It's all that you'll ever see That's all I ever see I'm a fair actor though So I'm going to front that it doesn't affect me But what I really want you to know is this: You have played your part for far too long And now, much like the crowd, I, too, will be departing. I'm trying to put a different take on this concept you call rage
I'm trying to look outside anger, something beyond hate Loathing completely set aside And I want to pick that all up in my chest And aim it straight at you I want to fill with every unhealthy emotion Everything detrimental to my sanity, to everyone around me I want to swell and become saturated And destroy everything in my path until I reach you I just hold such contempt for you all But spin it, twist it, stretch out all the devilish thoughts and violence I just can't conjure the spirit I can't even be called to care enough to hate those who wrong me The apathy is a disease Debilitating, hindering Because I would give my world to ruin yours I would give the world to fight your fire with my inferno But in my search for revenge I've sought to to harness the anger, this spark of anguish And all that's come of it is a frozen heart Numbness of mind Callous disregard of a world not so easily gained But I'd throw it all away right now Just to feel some small sense of anything I need catharsis I need release Who will provide? Who can cool the burns? Who can warm the frostbitten? Or is it just opposite sides of the spectrum? Is there no middle ground, only polarized circumstances? I just want to feel alive I want to feel alive and show you all what I will become Without you Beyond you Apathetic no more It's just another moment where the walls crawl
The bottles empty over and over But the tone is set the same It's negativity without reprieve It's a face without eyes We cannot see, do not even think to look Beyond the intrinsics of our stupor And I love it, I've loved it all the way blind, like I want to be I want to be forever blind to the world Because the bottles empty over and over And the walls still crawl My insides never change There's still a weak heart beating within A sick, little liver hanging on the end of an empty stomach It's all wired by a strung-out and malfunctioning brain Given sight and direction by a pair of tired eyes Everything's all so wearied and exhausted Everything's all so beyond repair I try to think otherwise but the thoughts aren't there I try to motion myself in another direction but there's no will There is no drive towards salvation When there is no purpose All of my life I've been waiting for this moment Sitting here Incapacitated, frozen Staring at the walls, empty bottle in my hand Thinking of you Thinking of you and asking for purpose Asking for reason beyond what I know But the fact is I know you're not there There is no clarity to the situation There never has been and never will be I can't blame you either I really can't blame you for a thing This is all my own doing It's all in my own head Mixed up in that strung-out, malfunctioning brain of mine It's not your fault This is who I am Maybe I'd try to change it But what's the point, really When it's all been built to fail? When it's all been made for nothing? Maybe a little clarity Would be right Maybe a sense of direction Would be just fine But the walls are starting to slow their crawling now It's time for another bottle - The one sense of clarity I have in this life My drive for salvation My temporary purpose |
Author"Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls." - Anais Nin Archives
February 2023
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